SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Apple announced earlier today that the US Patent and Trademark Office approved the company’s requests on a series of patents related to breathing in biological organisms. Dennis Freemantle, director of the Human Interface Design group within the Cupertino company, explained in detail the processes that involve the oxygen and carbon dioxide exchange within the tissues of biological organs. He said Apple’s newest patents cover terrestrial, amphibious, and aquatic organisms.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs spoke briefly at the end of the press conference saying “this is an important set of patents that Apple can add to its already substantial portfolio, and we think that’s pretty cool. Thanks for coming today.” He smiled as he began to step away from the podium only to halt and return to the microphone. “Oh, and one more thing.”

The attendees collectively leaned forward anticipating a zinger announcement.

“Everyone in the US is now officially on notice,” Jobs said bluntly, “including everyone in this room. We will vigorously enforce our patents beginning June 1st. People shouldn’t be stealing our ideas. We’re not saying you can’t breathe, you just need to come up with another way to do it. Beginning next month, we expect all US organisms to respect our intellectual property or face substantial legal consequences.”

With that, Jobs took a deep breath and teasingly exhaled slowly as he looked from side to side at the shocked faces of those in the audience. He then retreated without taking any questions.

Molly Wood from CNET was interviewed for CBS Evening News shortly following the Apple press conference. “Katie! This whole thing shows how out of control the US Patent Office is regarding its willingness to grant frivolous patents for obvious, common sense concepts even when prior art has clearly been documented. Like slide-to-unlock in Predator. We’re so screwed. Thanks, US Patent Office!”

At that point, Wood stormed off the news set growling about her plans to use her last breath for the rant segment of her popular Buzz Report.

The Apple-patented slide-to-unlock feature was apparently first shown in the Arnold Schwarzenegger film Predator when the alien antagonist used a swiping motion to initiate a countdown to detonate a bomb. Speculation has recently swirled that Jobs might be a descendant from that very alien race.